Lyric:

You people are
So.
Not.
Original.
Here we go . . .

First up? You mostly text about coffee:
"I'm getting coffee"
"u want sum coffee?"
"how do u want ur coffee?"

Then you text while you're drivin' into work:
"Stuck in traffic"
"Push the meeting back"
"B there in 5"

Then all the texts from the students in class:
"3 is b"
"Hamlet sux"
"Mr. rattabee hates me"

Then you text to coordinate lunch:
"Meet @ chiptole?"
"Who wants subway?"

'Course, right now, work is ending
And so I suspect
That all these texts
That you're sending now
Are prob'ly 'bout
How you might be spending
Your evenings:
What movies you'll see
Or what dinners you'll get
If you get
Your better halves to agree.

And later still we'll get to booty calls.
We'll get to hook-up requests
(And all those eggplants),
Then wrap it up with some drunk texts
And pick-up requests.
(We gotta get you home
To do this all again tomorrow!)

Like I said,
You guys are SO not original,
But that's what it's like
To be me --
Your local SMSC.

Yeah --
This isn't the prose
That the pros
Save on their Google Drives
Or e-mails you compose
With more attention and care.
It's not even posts
Like you post
Over at Facebook.

It's just throwaway thoughts.
A morass of the mundane.
So much abbreviated bullshit
It could drive you insane.
(And those ridiculous emojis
Only add to the pain...)

(But at least we don't have Twitter trolls . . .)

All right --
Let's see what's goin' on . . .

A text to Bob
To pick up the kids
From his wife,
Who's running late at the gym.

A lunch invite
To "Chad-who-hasn't-turned-on-his-phone."
Sorry, Benjamin --
Guess you won't be seeing him.

This must be
An auto-correct.
Either that,
Or you got "a penis in shoe." (A penicillin shot.)

Emojis.

Oh my god, Felicia,
NO!
Let it go.
He is SO not into you!

"r we going 2 c
u at the bbbq?"
(Yeah --
See what I mean?)

An eggplant.

4 h4x0r 5p34k1n6 1337

DUDE! SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN!!

Yeah -- Kim's been kind of quiet
Since she sent that
Final text from her car . . .

Jamie's home now.

What the . . . hell?
But . . . Jackie. What??
"Love How's it going? I'm and cheese b a the the the name of seed and cheese b a the the the the name of series ur watchmen scary that the the name of series is that by side of seed and cheese b a the the name of seed in my car"?!?

Okay. That's just . . . too much.
Okay. Just . . .
Okay --
Ev'rybody shut up!

(Segue to Weird Al Yankovic's "Word Crimes.")